Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
