Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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