You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
