We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm just crazy horny about you
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
