I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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