i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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