My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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