bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Send help, water and tortillas.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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