smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
