Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
