We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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