Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I can't put those talents on a resume
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
