the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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