I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
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I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
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That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize