It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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