he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
