Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
