oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
