My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
