Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
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Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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