I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I wish there were birth control emojis
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
