my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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