I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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