wakey wakey hands off snakey
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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