either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
