All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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