I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Damn victory sex feels great
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
