I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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