It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
