a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
