I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
