When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
