Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
