you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
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Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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