I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
