Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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