dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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