I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
