I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
