You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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