so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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