I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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