Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
