sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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