I could make wine with my vomit
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
