I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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