I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
