i permit you to call me
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
