U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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