Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
