I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
