Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
