Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
