so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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She's the barista slut.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
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He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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