...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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