Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
