This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
