my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
