Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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