True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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