So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
