so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
